The Unacknowledged, Unrequited and Unfulfilled
by lorddior
Summary: Some things are left unacknowledged, others remain unrequited and the rest are forever unfulfilled. SBRL oneshot


Another SBRL oneshot. MWPP era which is also partially placed post-prank.

There may be some typos, because..well, I didn't have time to revise enough :(

Still, hope you enjoy it, and review is cherished :D

* * *

"You need a smart girl, Moony." Sirius insists, biting on his toast. "One of those girls in Ravenclaw."

Remus simply smiles.

It's something Sirius mentions every time James is off trying to court Lily, and Remus can't help but smile at the irony that only he knows and thinks of.

He's not frustrated though, but actually quite thankful that he's either good at hiding his feelings, or Sirius is just too thick in the head to notice.

"Why are you so obsessed with Moony getting a girl friend anyway, Pads?" Peter asks shoving food inside his mouth and trying to finish the Charms essay at the same time.

"Because," Sirius starts with a slight roll of the eyes. "It's a matter of time before Prongs gets Evans, and you already have a girlfriend who has Merlin knows what sort of horrible taste."

"Hey!" Peter protests. "Well, it's not like you should be the one talking. You don't have a girlfriend either."

"Wormtail. Pete. Peter." Sirius starts with a slight frown and serious voice. "Do you honestly think I can't get one or that I'm not getting one?"

Peter shrugs and earns a hard nudge from Sirius.

"Well, maybe Moony doesn't want a girlfriend." Peter continues, dodging the next of Sirius' attacks.

"Thank you, Peter."

"What?" Sirius asks, obviously shocked and betrayed. "What do you mean, 'Thank you, Peter'?"

"I mean thank you as it is, Sirius." Remus replies, looking into his bag just to check if he's got all the books for the day. "As in 'thank you for the comment'."

"Which means.." Sirius starts slowly with a raised eyebrow.

"I have to admit you are ridiculously thick at times." Remus gets up with a slight smile still. "I don't want a 'girlfriend', and you can stop insisting." because that won't make me want one.

And before Sirius can protest any further Remus turns to leave, which doesn't seem all too strange seeing as that his first class is Potions and he still has some catching up to do from last full moon.

srsrsr

Remus doesn't know why he even likes Sirius.

First of all, Sirius is a boy not to mention one of his best friends. Liking a best friend doesn't seem too right, and liking one of the same gender is just wrong.

But he reminds himself that he does have enough mind to not tell Sirius. It would be even more wrong to actually tell Sirius or James or Peter, because liking Sirius is something that's wrong from the very start.

The following reasons are as simple as the first.

Sirius always gets Remus in trouble.

Remus could swear that he would never have gotten a single detention if it weren't for Sirius(and James from time to time). A prefect getting into detention just doesn't look good, and that's why James has been more careful ever since Remus had become prefect.

They still prank, but they try to make it seem like Remus didn't have a part in it. Remus is grateful, but he still finds himself in detention every couple of weeks because Sirius just can't be, no, won't be careful enough to help maintain Remus' dignity as prefect.

Sirius also meets an unearthly number of girls. So much, that Remus thinks there is something wrong with Sirius, when it's obvious that everything is just too right and that's what's causing the wrongs.

Remus also doesn't like the idea of Sirius dating girls of various grades, because he knows that some are just too young and naive to handle Sirius' inhumane way of abandoning people who he doesn't find interesting for more than a day.

Remus hates to blame Sirius for anything, but he hates it more to blame the girls who fall for Sirius, because that would be insulting himself. And although that is being quite stuck up, he doesn't want to blame himself when it seems stupid and even more stupid to fight against some things.

He stops this rambling of reasons to hate Sirius, because although they are reasonable, it doesn't really make much of a difference for anything.

He shakes his head because of his own silliness. It's just ridiculous for a sixteen year old prefect to actually think like a thirteen year old girl, and it's even more ridiculous when a quarter of his brain is shouting at him to acknowledge the fact that it's Potions class and he should be paying full attention. So there is a reverse in positions and a quarter remains with thoughts of Sirius.

srsrsr

Remus likes to read. He always had and always will as far as he is concerned.

That is why he hates being disturbed while reading.

When he hears a clatter from somewhere among the various bookshelves(the Herbology section, he notes) and then excited giggles, he frowns.

"Frowning, Moony?"

His frown seizes when he hears the familiar voice. It's almost ridiculous as always, but he can't help it.

"You look better smiling. That's right." and then Remus can see Sirius sitting half next, half across from him even when he can barely feel himself smiling.

"Shouldn't you be in Transfiguration?" he manages, also suppressing the smile from further growth.

"Nah." Sirius waves a dismissive hand. "Next period."

And that's when another set of giggles breaks from the same place before, and Remus feels himself start to frown again before he sees Sirius' growing grin.

His face breaks into a slightly empty expression.

srsrsr

Remus is accustomed to Sirius talking about girls, having them near and hugging them, kissing them and the list goes on, but he can't help but feel slightly despaired when he notices something different in Sirius' eyes as he watches his new girlfriend who must be one of Lily's friend, after making sure that he himself is not disillusional.

The girl giggles, and Remus hates it before he notices that it's actually not that unfamiliar at all.

Library giggle.

He's slightly surprised that he even remembers the giggle, since most girls seem to have the same giggles. But then again, he knows that Sirius' identical grin as a reaction to the giggle is what made him force to differentiate this particular giggle from the rest.

He knows that he is traumized for the rest of his life and will let himself be haunted by those giggles for every remaining living moment.

srsrsr

Lily frowns at the girl who does prove to be her friend, as she hugs Sirius and Sirius hugs back.

It's been little over a week, and Remus isn't surprised of what Sirius and the girl are doing, but is a little upset that, by what the girl claims, it's been a while since Sirius liked her and that he's been actually planning how to get to her. She wore a smug expression the entire time, and Remus can only hope that she's lying out of pride. But Sirius does not object, and Remus knows there's no point in hoping any more. It's not a lie; no longer just an assertion but a fact.

Lily stops staring and instead looks at Remus with a slightly anxious expression. The expression she has recently started to give James as well, every time he nearly falls down one of the moving stair cases.

Remus feels like throwing up, because really, this is ridiculous; having _Sirius _and the girl sitting right across from him and snogging.

"Would you two please stop?" Thank you, James. "Some of us are trying to eat."

At that, Sirius does break up, and Remus feels like throwing up again when the girl still won't let go of Sirius completely.

He wants to get up and leave, but he fears that that'll be too obvious. It would be giving himself away completely, and so he stays, just staring at his plate of potatoes and roast beef.

srsrsr

Peter seems slightly worried as well, because Remus refuses to sit across from Sirius now. Remus is slightly worried that his well kept secret may end faster than his first secret during their starting years at Hogwarts, but he can't help it.

He said it like a joke, that he wanted to eat rather than puke, but really, it was the truth that he felt like puking and was sure he would if he did see the two being like that again.

So, he quietly asked Peter to switch seats with him before dinner, which would not have been entirely necessary, seeing that he could just sit down at Peter's seat and Peter could take his, but he asked anyway.

Sirius doesn't seem to notice until Remus gets up, his plate barely stained with food and grease and moist.

"Wormtail, why did you take Moony's place?" he says in mock anger, and Remus wants to kill himself because he feels his lips tugging up slightly even when he's slightly disappointed that Sirius has only noticed now.

"It's been a while." Lily snaps from next to Peter. "And Peter didn't force Remus to change seats."

"Oh?" Sirius raises an eyebrow, and James looks a little bewildered at why Lily is snapping at Sirius like she so often snapped at him. His bewilderment changes into uneasiness not long after.

"And could you two please stop doing that?" she continues, glaring at the pair, and Remus smiles at James hurt expression.

"But I'm cold." the girl insists with a sweet smile, and Remus wishes he would have left before catching Sirius' look of adoration. "Keeping each other warm."

And even James frowns disdainfully and truly disgustedly at that.

"It's bloody April. Why in Merlin's name would you be cold?" he asks, his eyes seeming to develop a new hate towards the girl, and also a shade of understanding of Lily's annoyance.

"Thin material." the girl replies, and gives Sirius the Look.

"You're wearing a sweater." Peter comments, also slightly disdainfully.

"For Merlin's sake." Sirius gets up, taking the girl up as well. Remus sits back down. "Why is this such a problem?"

"Planning to go elsewhere?" James asks raising an eyebrow which shows his distaste. "Well stay out of the dorm, the common room and the library. The last one for Remus' sake."

Sirius frowns and takes the girl away with him, and Remus isn't sure if he should be glad or not.

srsrsr

Remus is reading in his bed at a time when he knows he should be sleeping just to get rid of the shadows under his eyes. However, he decides he can spare a hour or two more just for Bronte.

However, he closes his book almost abruptly when he smells something unfamiliar over something very familiar. He carefully places the book next to his pillow, and feigns sleep.

It's Sirius, he can't be wrong. Even when he's covered with perfume and girl and something Remus' can't quite make, it's Sirius for sure.

He hears footsteps that are so quiet only he could hear, and the next moment he feels air rush into where he is lying.

"Moony? Are you sleeping?" Sirius asks in a hushed voice.

Remus has to consider whether he continues to feign sleep or gets up and talks to Sirius, because obviously Sirius wants to talk about something one way or the other.

He doesn't get a chance to choose, though, because evidently his body flinched the first moment Sirius opened the bed curtains and spoke. Or started flinching when Sirius first returned to the room.

"What is it, Padfoot?" Remus asks, and he turns around to look at Sirius just like he always does.

"I..." Sirius starts with both a silly grin and anxious look appearing on his face at the same time.

Remus raises an eyebrow. A sign that scolds Sirius for being unusually cautious and a sign that he may not be like what he is about to hear, but is going to listen anyway. The latter, only Remus himself knows.

"I did it with her." Sirius blurts out, and the anxious look is gone, only a silly and wide grin remaining on his handsome features.

Although Remus wasn't experienced enough to tell what the scent on Sirius was, he still is tactful enough to tell what 'it' indicates.

"Oh." is all that he manages after a short moment of silence, but Sirius doesn't seem to need much of a reply. Maybe he needs no reply at all, only a person to listen to him.

"It was bloody brilliant!" Sirius goes on, and Remus wishes he could cover his ears, but he knows he can't because if he does he won't have hands left to cover his eyes and will see Sirius' annoyed and hurt expression.

"That's very..nice." Remus finally manages.

"What do you mean 'very nice'? It's more than 'nice', Remus!" Sirius seems slightly exasperated but joyful still. Remus hates to think that he does nothing but annoy Sirius and the girl does nothing but make him joyful at this very moment.

"I wouldn't know how good it is." Remus says, and he notices that he's made a horrible mistake, because now Sirius will probably try and give details and lecture Remus about the wonderful notions of shagging.

Sirius shakes his head, and Remus knows what he worried won't be coming.

"That's why you need a girl, Remus."

And although it's a line that Remus doubts still has any meaning or intention to it left, Remus feels a sudden urge to cry.

He mumbles something like a 'no thanks' and turns around muttering another 'I'm tired. Good night, Pads.'

srsrsr

Remus is positive James has noticed something too, because he is the first to comment if not notice Remus' puffy eyes the next morning.

Remus hasn't been crying, no. Remus is too strong to cry, or at least cry much. So he hasn't been crying that much, but evidently the sudden and unfamiliar burst of tears made things worst for him than it should have.

"Remus," James starts, and Lily seems like she was trying to start in the same way. "What happened?"

Remus shakes his head and gets up the moment Sirius and the girl appear. This morning they seem to have some tighter bond, and Remus doesn't want to reveal his puffy eyes to either, to Sirius. Not that Sirius would notice anyway.

srsrsr

Remus notices that James isn't sitting with Sirius in Charms that day. Instead, Lily has taken the seat and is now saying something to James in whispers so low even Remus cannot catch.

The professors do not suspect Lily to be chatting during class, because it's Lily Evans. It was like that first with Remus too, but Sirius proved the professors throughout the years that Remus is nothing more than a Marauder as well.

Whenever James tries to look around, Lily pulls him back to face her, and she keeps her wand in her hand, probably with half the mind to immobilize him if necessary. But it only gives a look that Lily is trying to lecture James, so it works anyway.

Remus thinks how Sirius' love life can bother and affect everyone so much, but he knows he's probably the only one affected and the others are affected by him.

srsrsr

Sirius is gone for the entire day and Remus only sees him only during class and meals.

Remus is disturbed from the same cacophony while in the library trying to do is DA homework, but he doesn't hear the voice he's been waiting for all the time while sitting in the library for two hours.

It never does come even after three, and Remus scolds himself for being an idiot to expect such.

He gets up and quitely walks out of the library, because that's what people should do in libraries; quietly walk out and disturb no one.

srsrsr

It's almost full moon again and Remus considers whether he could just say he's ill and go to the hospital wing, which won't be a lie even if it were just a slight overstatement.

But he knows it's practically not even an overstatement, because he does feel horrible and the last place he wants to be in is the dormitory with Sirius and possibly the girl as well.

Still, Remus knows he doesn't have much of a choice nor chance and he heads to Gryffindor tower anyway.

He lets go of a couple of forth years who were trying to get into Filch's office and returns to the tower without much trouble or stress.

Clearly he has just arrived in time, because something has been done in the dormitory already.

It has the same smell as Sirius had a couple of nights ago, and James' and Peter's unhappy faces are a total giveaway as well as Sirius' happy and proud face.

To think that it was done in this room is even more horrible, and Remus hopes the bed he just sat on and started to undress is his own bed.

"Moony, that's my bed." Sirius says with a laugh, and Remus gets up so fast that he's surprised his knees haven't gone wrong.

He hurries to his bed this time, and remembers to clean his robes even when they were cleaned just yesterday. He hates the girl even more for giving him reasons to clean his clean and not-so-clean-at-the-same-time-robes.

He doesn't look at any of them, because he knows that he'll turn red and be embarrassed to oblivion, which is ridiculous because he's reacting a moment too late. He mutters a 'good night everyone' and shuts the bed curtains close and turns to his side, his back to Sirius' bed.

Remus can't sleep, and when he finally feels a bit light in the head, he hears the footsteps again.

He knows who it is even in his now slight stupor, but he doesn't get up to stop him from opening the bed curtains.

"Remus?" Sirius calls and Remus cringes again involuntarily. He's horrified when he feels the cringe changing into slight shivers.

"Yes, Sirius?" he replies, and is glad for the first time his voice is cracking, because that may indicate that he was sleeping.

There is silence, and Remus wishes Sirius would either just hurry and go away or actually say something stupid and disgusting and painful all at the same time.

"You're shaking." is what Sirius finally says, and Remus knows it's not a comment that stupid at all.

"No I'm not." Denial is no use, but Remus does it anyway.

"Yes you are." Sirius insists, and sits down on Remus' bed without permission. He never asks for permission, and Remus never minded before, but now he wants to shout and tell Sirius to get out. But Sirius doesn't have the smell of the girl anymore. He only smells of soap and water and Sirius himself, so he can't help but like Sirius being here again.

"Damn, Moony," Sirius nudges Remus hard on the side. "budge over a bit."

When Remus doesn't comply, Sirius nudges again, slightly softer, but Remus still doesn't move anyway.

Sirius repeats the same motion a couple of times but when Remus still doesn't move, Sirius doesn't try again but sighs and just lies next to him anyway, slinging a careless arm on Remus. It's not even around, it's just on Remus, and Remus knows it's nothing even slightly similar to the arm that's always on the girl.

But Remus still thinks his heart may have either died or lived or both at the same time.

He feels himself shaking even more, and it's ridiculous because there is a warm body around him, but he can't help but feel colder than before. He has to bite his lip to stop shivering, and he finds the effects quite spectacular. He has never imagined such a small body part to be able to maintain himself so effectively.

"Must be the full moon." Sirius murmurs as he starts to slowly rub Remus' arm, and Remus nearly cries because Sirius actually remembers the full moon as well as rubbing Remus' arm.

"You remembered." he can't stop himself fast enough and the words just blurt out. A bit too quiet for having been blurted out, but it's a jumble of surprise all the same.

He doesn't even bother to point out that he never shivered before even when near full moon, because he's just glad Sirius hasn't forgotten things Remus might have feared of him forgetting. Remus knows Sirius probably has his own reasons to remembering full moon and a moment later Remus hates himself for even thinking so.

Sirius stops for a moment, and bends over a bit as if to see Remus' face. Remus feels his heart dying completely and he closes his eyes shut with much force.

"Of course I do. It's full moon." Sirius says as he returns to his original position and continues to rub Remus' arm.

Remus is falling asleep after going through moments that feel like life and death, but he can still tell that Sirius is leaving and he wants to hold out and beg Sirius not to leave, but he doesn't.

After all, he is falling asleep already.

srsrsr

When Remus is back and Moony is gone for another good month, he vaguely registers James shouting at Sirius for coming so late.

Sirius says Moony wouldn't have hurt Padfoot anyway, because he was busy ripping himself apart, and that's when Remus feels the pang of pain and warmth of blood and nausea and dizziness and drowsiness.

The last thing he hears is Peter saying that Remus has just passed out, and he wants to protest because if he really had past out, he never could hear Peter anyway. But He can't make out what James is saying a few seconds later and takes longer than a moment to register that Sirius is kneeling over him, so he must be passing out.

srsrsr

Remus isn't all that eager to leave the hospital wing the day after full moon as he always does. Madame Pomfrey certainly doesn't seem all that eager as well, so it doesn't take much difficulty to get permission to stay in the hospital wing for another couple of days.

James and Peter come visit him when Remus is conscious again. Of course, they could have been waiting there until Remus was conscious again, so Remus isn't entirely sure since when they were here looking down at him.

Remus must have looked around, because James speaks.

"He's not here."

Remus tries to deny that he hasn't been looking for Sirius, but his thoughts and split lip won't allow him that.

The next day is Hogsmede weekend.

Remus is glad because that means he won't be missing any classes today, but he is also a bit bothered that Sirius won't be here today just as he wasn't here yesterday.

James and Peter and Lily stop by with chocolates from Honeydukes and toys from Zonkos, and Remus isn't even slightly disturbed that Lily knows his 'furry little problem' as well. Maybe he's just too distracted with the gifts he has received.

After deciding that he's just too tired to wait till dawn as he did last night, Remus closes his eyes when he hears the door of the infirmary opening. That must be Pomfrey, which only gives him more reason to close his eyes and even out his breathing that has sped up from the surprise.

He feels someone standing next to his bed, and he's sure it is Pomfrey until he breathes in slightly.

Pomfrey doesn't smell like this, so it can't be Pomfrey.

"Remus." a hushed voice calls him, and there's no use trying to keep his eyes shut because they open by their own accord.

The next moment, Sirius is going through the gifts James and Peter and Lily has given Remus, muttering something under his breath, which Remus doesn't even bother to interpret.

"Damn them, all they buy you is chocolate." Sirius finally says after going through the gifts at least twice.

"And toys." Remus corrects.

"They always forget that you like these as well." and Sirius is placing Every Flavored Beans and pumpkin pasties and cauldron cakes next to the rather large pile of chocolate.

Remus smiles, risking bleeding his lip, because even when Sirius is insulting the other lot, he must be the one who doesn't know Remus' preferences.

Remus likes chocolate far better than any of the things Sirius has brought him, and he only eats them with feigned vigor when Sirius is there to share and pour them into his lap. He doesn't blame Sirius though, because Remus is the one who has misled him.

Still, he likes to think that Sirius remembers Remus' 'preferences' and doesn't forget to say 'Thank you'.

"You're welcome, and you don't need to say that." Sirius takes a seat next to Remus' bed. "You know, Prongs said no when I asked for the cloak, so I had to sneak into here without it." he mutters grumpily. "That git. Now, if Pomfrey decides to come see you, I'll just have to hide under the bed."

Remus smiles at that, and he feels a light crack and warmness seeping down his lips.

"Mind if I share?" Sirius asks suddenly, indicating the sweets he's brought.

Remus shakes his head and Sirius grins gratefully. It's a grin that always makes Remus feel far more grateful and he wonders just how he could reveal it when Sirius shows it through a single grin.

"Can't have any with Elicia like I do with you." Sirius says as he opens the Every Flavored Beans. "Funny. All she eats is chocolate."

And Remus can't help but feel proud of himself.

srsrsr

Sirius is gone before dawn, and Remus is left to sleep deeply for a few hours before he wakes up and decides he wants to leave.

Remus knows Sirius won't be coming back tonight, and he can't stand staying here another night without his company when he already knows just how fabulous it is.

So he decides it's better to be in his dorm where he'll have at least another two friends for the company and noise.

Pomfrey doesn't seem enthusiastic about it, but she lets Remus leave anyway after making him promise to visit her again the next day. Remus is good at promising and keeping it, so it's not much of a problem.

srsrsr

Remus can't help but regret his choice of leaving the hospital wing and heading straight to the library.

He's determined that the girl hates him, because she and Sirius are in the library talking, giggling and kissing. Remus has never hated the library more, which is a serious problem because the library is the only place he enjoys being at, even without Sirius' company. He's sure that leaving the infirmary wasn't the ultimate mistake, because if they're doing such in the library, that means they do it in every other part of the castle and it'd be a matter of time before they do it in the hospital wing as well. It's still better here than the infirmary, because at least Pince won't be telling Remus off of what indecent friends he has.

Remus also concludes that Sirius hates him as well, but can't bring himself to hate in return.

srsrsr

Remus is grateful to find that James and Peter have rearranged the seats a bit so that Remus won't have to see the Couple while eating. Remus knows he's going to leave the table early anyway, but he's still grateful that James and Peter are helping, and he doesn't mind that his secret may have been out a long time ago. Long enough that James and Lily and Peter have all had their time to plan how to help him.

Remus is still even more grateful when Sirius notices him and says a hello right before he drops into his now daily routines, which is the cause of every change their friends have made.

With Lily on the opposite side, James on Lily's left, Peter on Remus' left and then Sirius and the girl on Peter's left, there is no way that Remus can see the two. He can still occasionally hear them though, and that's when James speaks up for him.

"Shut the hell up and just eat or piss off."

Remus can almost imagine Sirius scowling at James, and he's a bit guilty that he may be causing the dispute in their friendship that is never meant to break.

"Don't worry." Lily says as if she reads Remus' mind. "Black isn't angry."

Remus almost laughs at himself, because he must not know Sirius as well as he thought so, making him an equal to Sirius, seeing how well they know each other. Or, Remus considers, he may just be losing his touch. He doesn't know which is worst.

srsrsr

Remus can't bring himself to even want to complain to Sirius even when he nearly walks into them doing it in the dorm.

Peter looks disgusted as he stops Remus from opening the door, and James looks just as disgusted while recasting the silencing charm every five minutes.

"I'd just love to let the noise out and embarrass the two, but this is for us to not lose our bloody minds." he nearly growls and kicks the door hard, which only results in his left foot swelling and the two behind the doors still remaining undisturbed.

"Bloody Silencio." James mutters and hits the door with his fist again anyway.

"What the hell is wrong with him?" Peter asks his voice also furious. "Is this a side affect of lack of affection as a child?"

"Yeah, well, hopefully it is." James replies, and he gives a quick, worried glance to Remus. Remus pretends he doesn't notice. "Hopefully it's just a fling of some sort."

"Flings don't last this long, do they?" Peter asks carefully, also looking at Remus for a moment.

"Well, it's just a long fling, that's all." James replies in an all too sure voice. "I bet they'll be done by next month. Right, Moony?" he asks for reassurance in a now hopeful and encouraging voice.

"Right, James." Remus nods and smiles slightly at how glad James seems and how relieved Peter looks.

srsrsr

One thing that's good about Sirius not being around is that Remus doesn't get into detention anymore. It's a bit late to finally notice that, but he's at least found one advantage, so he's satisfied.

Remus also decides that he likes Peeves because he gives hints to where Sirius is, doing what with whom. During his prefect duties, Remus only needs to listen to Peeves and avoid those places, and then he's safe.

Once, when the clues became details, Remus calmly asked Peeves to bother the two, which Peeves was more than glad to comply.

He knew that Peeves had done well when Sirius returned later complaining about the bloody poltergeist and allergies of some sort.

srsrsr

Remus is determined not to help Sirius when he asks for help in DA every once in a while, but finds himself helping Sirius anyway. He tells himself he's only helping because Sirius rarely asks for help, when it's because Sirius rarely talks to him these days and above all that, because it's Sirius and no one else.

Lily seems disdainful whenever she finds Remus helping Sirius, but doesn't say anything, because she knows Remus just likes to help no matter what because it's Sirius and no one else.

srsrsr

Full moon returns fast, and Remus can't help but ache all over a few days before it.

He falls into an even more foul mood when the girl catches a cold and is all over Sirius and being a bossy nuisance to everyone.

He feels his limit the night of full moon, after doing her Charms essay because Sirius pleaded, taking care of the cat for her because she was sensitive to fur when she had a cold when Remus has always had allergies for cats, and now when she's ordering him to hand him the potatoes.

If it were a nice 'Could you please pass me the potatoes, Lupin?' Remus would not have minded, seeing that there is quite a distance between her and the plate of potatoes.

However, it was a "Sirius, ask Lupin to get me the potatoes." and Remus feels like shoving potatoes down her eye sockets while trying to hold the plate up properly with his own weak hands.

"You forgot to season them." the girl points out, and Remus has to muster all his strength to try and reach for the seasoning. He would ask for help, but he doesn't for he knows his voice will be shaking uncontrollably if he does.

Unsurprisingly, he drops the plate, and he hears "Lupin, you're useless." over the loud crash of the plate smashing into stone and dull plops of potatoes hitting the floor, when he's sure the voice is much smaller than all the other sounds put together.

He feels his temper and body rise, but he doesn't show his anger as he takes out his wand to do a quick Reparo.

"I'm sorry if I'm useless." he says after what he thinks is a decent time to regain control, but his voice is still shaking slightly as if he's trying to suppress his anger and it comes out like a sneer. He decides he may push a bit farther seeing as he's already practically shown his fury. "I assume you ask for my help because you're even more useless than I am."

He hears the table quieting and watches the girl look struck for a moment, and he smirks. He watches again as the girl starts crying and gets up and leaves. He feels victorious, and doesn't look at Sirius to maintain that feeling. He knows Sirius is on her side, has long been on her side.

"What the hell did you do that for?" Sirius asks expectedly, anger evident.

Obviously, no one but Remus had been expecting that because Peter looks disbelievingly at Sirius, Lily stares, and James just spits it straight out.

"What do you mean what the hell did he do that for? Don't think your girlfriend is the only one's who's ill!"

Remus doesn't want to hear any more of this, because he's aching even more inside and he wants to die when he sees the look of remembrance but no regret on Sirius' face.

He apologizes and leaves, quietly and carefully so that he won't bump into anyone. He knows he should be there to stop the two, to stop either when either of his identities may be merely four words away from being revealed. But today he's just too exhausted for that. He tells himself he doesn't care, and just continues to walk away.

"You've got to sort out your priorities." James continues, and Sirius looks even more angry.

"What, what about my priorities? Elicia's ill, and Remus over here," but he notices Remus is gone. He shrugs and continues. "was being a total bastard!"

"Do you honestly think his problem compares to your girlfriend having a goddamn cold?" James shouts.

"Well, it's a about time he's gotten used to it!" Sirius shouts back, and Peter wants to stab him with a knife for that. "It's not like it's as difficult as it used to be!"

"He nearly killed himself last time!" James shouts, and he has to strain not to let out any words that may giveaway Remus' condition.

"Well too bad for him if he can't be grateful enough!" Sirius shouts and storms away.

James notices half the great hall staring at them, but he can't care less. So, he gets up with Peter and leaves as well.

srsrsr

It's nearly sunset, and Remus goes down to Pomfrey to go to the shack.

He smiled and thanked James and Peter for promising him that they'd come right after sunset.

Pomfrey also seems a bit disturbed today, because the second year Hufflepuff who nearly got an eye out from the whomping willow is still in the hospital wing. So she leaves Remus to get to the shack by himself and hurries off with an apology. Of course, Remus couldn't mind less.

srsrsr

Sirius heard that Elicia is down in the infirmary, and decides he wants to be there next to her instead of Remus. He'd rather be with coughing and sneezing Elicia than Moony who's trying to rip himself apart, and he's certain Moony will attempt just that tonight.

He wonders just how out of luck he is when he bumps into Snape.

"Going to see your Lupin, Black?" he sneers, and Sirius wonders if Snape really is just dumb or he enjoys being attacked. "He was with Pomfrey in the hospital wing, you see."

Sirius decides he shouldn't get provoked, but he finds himself already retorting anyway.

"Fuck off, Snivellus." he growls.

"Was that a lover's quarrel back then?" Snape continues, and Sirius can't help but think he's being more idiotic than usual. "Going to see him to kiss and make up?"

"You seem to care a lot about Lupin." Sirius snarls. "If you're so interested, why don't you do me a favor and go check on him instead of me?"

Snape seems momentarily surprised, but smirks the next moment.

"Perhaps I will grant you the favor." he says. "Maybe some directions?"

"Want to lose an eye as well, Snape?" Sirius sneers. "I never thought you'd dare do anything worse to make yourself look even more fowl."

"The whomping willow?" Snape says with instant understanding. "Interesting place for a lover's hide out, no?"

"Well, he is special." Sirius smirks, and heads straight down to the infirmary just as if to prove he's not going anywhere to see Remus.

srsrsr

It's halfway through transformation, and Remus still has enough mind to notice that he's broken more furniture during the last fifteen minutes than during six years staying in this very room.

He'll fix them later, but now he really just needs something more to break.

srsrsr

"I think it's about time we.." James stops speaking and peers into the map closer, as if he can't believe what he's seeing.

"What's wrong?" Peter asks, as he tucks his homework away before getting ready to leave.

"Bloody hell." James mutters, pushing the map to Peter. "Tell me my glasses are still suffering from disillusionment charms."

Peter looks at the map as well and his eyes widen. Peter is never disillusional, so James knows that both him and his glasses weren't wrong.

The next moment, both are running out of the tower and down the stairs to the whomping willow, Peter transforming midway and James running as fast as he can.

srsrsr

"Lupin is just stupid." Elicia complains as Sirius is sitting next to her, caressing her hand.

Sirius stops his movements, but soon shrugs.

"Why are you even friends with him?" Elicia continues. "He's nothing like you or James."

"Peter isn't like us either."

"He's not at all pretentious, though." Elicia points out.

"Remus isn't pretentious either." Sirius says, and he feels slightly annoyed because no one should insult Remus or any of his friends like that no matter how fowl they are to him.

"And he's definitely not normal." Elicia continues.

Sirius freezes at that. Does Elicia know what Remus is?

"He looks at you strangely all the time." Elicia says with a disgusted face.

"What do you mean?" Sirius asks, and although he's happy to notice that Elicia doesn't know Remus is a werewolf, he gets a strange feeling that what she's implying isn't all that pleasant as well.

"You know." Elicia explains with a slight frown. "He looks at you. He blushes." she shrugs and coughs a bit.

Sirius is paralyzed. He's never noticed that. He wonders just how much he hasn't noticed until now.

He doesn't get a chance to consider, because the next moment Pomfrey is storming into the infirmary looking murderous, and half shouting that Sirius is wanted in Dumbledores' office.

srsrsr

When Remus wakes up, the first person he sees is Pomfrey and Dumbledore.

They are the two faces he least expects to see right after full moon has set, and Remus can't help but feel that something is very wrong when he realizes that, not only are they real people, but they are a real Poppy Pomfrey and an absolutely real Albus Dumbledore with grave expressions,.

And large pools of blood he hasn't seen for long proves that his anticipation may be all too right.

srsrsr

When Remus wakes up again, he sees only Pomfrey, and she looks both infurious and sad. She then tells Remus that the headmaster has asked for him, so Remus gets up with layers of heavy bandages and slightly unclear sight and heads to the headmaster's office.

srsrsr

He's disturbed to see Snape and Sirius and James and Peter all in the same room at once, and even more disturbed to find that Sirius is alone without the girl. He can't bring himself to feel glad just now at this very moment at this exact place.

"Remus," Dumbledore starts softly, and indicates a large arm chair with cushions. Remus nods and says thank you before carefully taking a seat, and he turns to James for an explanation of what's going on. James gives him just as odd a look as Pomfrey did.

Dumbledore doesn't offer lemon sherbets today, and Remus knows that either he is in deep trouble or the rest are.

srsrsr

When Dumbledore ends his story after a few interruptions from Snape and Sirius each, Remus feels oddly calm, and even now, all he thinks of is that it was a good thing to never let Sirius know his feelings. By the looks of it now, Sirius would have just as easily played with his feelings as he did with those of the girls before the girl.

Dumbledore asks Remus if he would like to say anything and Remus can only manage one thing.

"When will I be able to leave, sir?"

Dumbledore doesn't give him a calm look, which evidently means Remus isn't supposed to be expecting what he has been expecting and taken for granted.

"You are not going any where, Remus." he says calmly. "None of you are."

"But sir," James starts to protest, and that's what Remus is really surprised of.

"None of you, Mr Potter." and Dumbledore gets up. "You may all be dismissed, but Severus, I wish to have a word with you privately. Good day to you all."

srsrsr

Remus decides he doesn't care any more about Sirius and the girl, so he doesn't bother to be disturbed during meal times and eats as if he had starved to death before this life, even when his right arm is still heavily bandaged and he can feel his throat shoving food back up every time he shoves a spoonful in.

He doesn't even notice when there are no sounds or giggles or smacks or anything, and just continues to eat and ignores the anxious looks and silence that are all aimed towards him and speaking to him and only him.

When he gets up and leaves, and is halfway to the entrance of the great hall, he hears James' angered and threatening voice that is hissing but shouting at the same time.

"Don't you dare."

Remus knows it wasn't meant for him to hear, and he doesn't really care even if it was, so he leaves anyway.

srsrsr

Remus is surprised that he only notices the girl isn't there when the class is almost about to end, and he's even more surprised to find that Sirius is actually sitting not very far from him. Maybe only two seats behind if not a seat.

He is not pleased when he can feel Sirius staring at him.

He feels indifferent, and it's not a voluntary feeling, so he leaves himself alone.

He knows he doesn't have long before he feels like he had always felt around Sirius again, so for the time being, he decides indifference would be just fine.

srsrsr

Remus is slightly guilty that James and Peter aren't talking much to Sirius as well. James seems to be disgusted at Sirius, and that's entirely new because James was the one to always encourage Sirius in doing whatever he did.

Peter, who had never ignored anyone no matter what, is ignoring Sirius completely nowadays. He didn't seem openly disgusted as James does, but more disappointed to Sirius and apologetic for Remus. He seems to have trouble speaking to Remus, who never forgets to be kind and smiling nonetheless. It seems to disturb them all that Remus is still the same Remus if not calmer and softer.

As for the fact that the girl is no longer with Sirius, but sitting a good five feet away from them, Remus is never sorry for that even now. He doesn't know who had broken up with whom, but he decides that Sirius should be completely ostracized even though Remus doesn't hate Sirius. It would be only fair, after all.

srsrsr

He doesn't say anything when Sirius quietly comes to sit two seats next to him while he is studying in the library. Sirius must have chosen to approach him in the library because he knows Remus would never shout in the library if not anywhere else, and Remus doesn't have to even look up to know who it was so it's only proven that there will be no yelling.

Sirius is silent as though he is waiting for Remus to finish his reading, and Remus inwardly laughs because Sirius is attempting to not be a nuisance for once, when Remus realizes Sirius being next to him is bothersome itself.

He notices that he is spending more a good minute on each page, and that is enough for him to decide to get this settled and send Sirius away as soon as possible.

He looks up after composing himself and is slightly startled to meet striking grey eyes immediately.

But Remus doesn't need much effort to smile slightly and ask.

"Can I help you?"

Sirius looks away, and Remus can see a look of startled hurt and he is strangely glad. He feels something bubbling inside him, and knows it would not be easy to contain it if he stayed here any longer.

So, quietly and calmly, he gets up and packs his books and leaves just as he always does when he's finished reading.

Of course the difference is that he hasn't finished his reading at all, and he decides he could really hate Sirius for just that.

srsrsr

When Remus is going to charms with James and Lily and Peter, he sees the girl.

Strange, he has never paid much attention to her, but he can still recognize her face.

She stares at him, and Remus knowing all to well of emotions that mirror themselves on the eyes sees everything other than affection, care, and kindness. Everything except those three.

He doubts one thing he sees though, because he can think of nothing that could initiate such emotions towards him. He's already looked at Sirius' eyes too many times to conclude that the girl must be disillusional.

"What are you staring at?" James shouts, and it was so close to a growl that Remus is actually quite surprised.

The girl turns away and the four continue to head to Charms.

"Black broke up with her." Lily tells Remus quietly right as Professor Flitwick enters the classroom.

Remus almost laughs openly to have heard that the same routine was applied to that girl as well. He mildly feels sorry for the girl, but still, that does not clear up the few emotions that Remus had seen in her glare. Not her eyes, only her glare, because that is all Remus needs to be able to interpret her emotions.

srsrsr

Sirius knows Remus can read his feelings from just a look into his eyes, and decides that this is not the right time to make eye contact with Remus.

So, even when he is staring at Remus and musing all sorts of feelings, he abruptly turns away from the slightest movements Remus makes.

srsrsr

"Aren't you going to apologize?" James asks angrily one day, cornering him after Transfiguration. "Aren't you going to say you're sorry?"

Sirius doesn't answer, because he knows apologizing requires a good amount of eye contact, and he could never risk that now.

"Why won't you bloody say you're sorry?" James nearly shouts, clenching his fists as if he's ready to give a heavy blow right across Sirius' face. "You actually take what he's giving you? D'you think he's fine with everything?"

Sirius shakes his head.

He knows Remus well enough to know that Remus is not okay even when Remus himself is thinking he is okay. He knows something deeper down in Remus is breaking even when Remus himself doesn't notice it.

"James." Sirius calls, and James stares sternly at him, waiting for him to continue. It's really quite brave, seeing as no one can expect what nonsense to blurt out of Sirius Black's mouth. "I..I think..." he can't continue, and he needs to consider why he even started.

James stares a bit longer, before looking away, angered and sad and hateful all at the same time.

"You're such an idiot." he mutters, and leaves before saying once more. "Apologize."

srsrsr

Sirius is hoping that Remus isn't one to let his feelings leave him easily. Someone to let the feelings linger a bit more and give others a better opportunity.

"Sirius," Remus' words break the silence that Sirius had initiated and planned to end. "I need to go to class in a few minutes." his voice is as calm and amiable as ever.

Sirius still refuses to make eye contact, because he starts to get a growing dread that that would be the end.

He begins to wonder if what others saw in Remus was just an illusion, because he doesn't think and isn't sure if anyone could be so kind if someone one loved betrayed them even in the simplest fashion.

"I think I'll be going now." Remus states and stands up. "I'll see you around, Sirius."

But Sirius knows that Remus won't be seeing Sirius around because he hasn't been doing that for quite a long time, and Sirius isn't sure if he can muster up the courage to drag Remus into an attempted conversation again before summer break.

"Remus." he feels like he doesn't deserve to call the name that is now not quite as familiar on his tongue, but which he knows will grow familiar again now that he's voiced it once.

Remus turns around, but Sirius still does not make any eye contact.

"Yes, Sirius?" So kind and so calm. It's as if he has infinite patience, although that isn't true for anyone. Even for Remus.

"I..." Sirius starts, and wonders if this would be the right time to look up and face Remus. "I..." should it be _...really am sorry _or _...love you_?

Remus waits, because he never assumes, and even when he thinks he knows without assumption, he never assists people with words, because that gives him a feeling of forcing.

So he waits until it's a minute before class starts.

"I should be going." and he turns away.

"Meet me after dinner?" Sirius manages to blurt out. "In the common room?" and he feels ridiculous because it would have taken less words to say both on his mind and then he wouldn't have to torture himself with anxiety for the remaining day.

"Fine." Remus nods and he sets off to class.

srsrsr

James is staring at Sirius, because Remus is even quieter than usual, which may leave a possibility that Sirius has said something.

Evidently he hasn't because Remus is still not talking to him, and calmly asks for Sirius to pass him the salt. Even Remus couldn't be this calm if Sirius had said anything.

srsrsr

Remus is reading among other fellow and rather loud Gryffindors. He'd prefer to read in the library, but Sirius said he'll meet him here, so for the time being, this would have to do.

When Sirius finally appears, nervous and uncomfortable, he looks around and speaks with some difficulty. "It's a bit crowded, isn't it?"

Remus doesn't close his book.

"Is it too difficult for you to speak here?" because Sirius would never consider that it is difficult for Remus to read. Especially not when he wants to talk to Remus.

Sirius nods slightly.

"The library, then?" Remus suggests, getting up and closing the book now.

Sirius agrees and wishes Remus would let go of the stupid book, because he really wants to talk to Remus without a book interfering.

Remus doesn't seem to want to leave the book, but does anyway because he knows there won't be a point in taking the book with him.

srsrsr

Halfway to the library, Sirius decides that he wouldn't be able to say it in the library. He's failed once, and he's sure he'll fail again.

So, without warning, Sirius grabs Remus' arm and gets them into a deserted hallway. He doesn't go as far to get into a classroom, and when he realizes what he has done, he doubts that he should have pulled Remus into a hallway either.

"Sorry." he mutters, as Remus frowns slightly and rubs his arm.

Remus nods and then looks up to Sirius again, who still hesitates to give any sort of eye contact.

"What is it you want to say, Sirius?"

"Sorry."

"You've already said that." Remus points out.

"No, I mean, I'm sorry for being like that." Sirius tries to make himself clearer.

Remus nods again.

"It's okay." he finally says. It's true because Sirius has already missed the point when apologizes would be meaningful. It's forgotten. Remus doesn't see the point in the apology anymore, and he doubts he would have, even before this moment.

"It's okay?" Sirius asks. He sounds surprised, but still doesn't meet Remus' eyes.

"Yes, it's okay." Remus replies.

Silence falls, and Sirius is the one to finally speak.

"You're not being honest. That's not true."

Remus smiles slightly, but it's not really a smile. Even Sirius can tell.

"And how would you know?" Remus inquires, raising an eyebrow.

Sirius can't reason that he knows because that's who Remus is, for it seems more likely that Sirius doesn't know Remus at all.

"Well, since you've said what you have to, and I've cleary given you an answer you wished to hear, I think I'll be going."

Sirius wants to stop Remus, to tell him the other thing that is bothering him now that he made one of his thoughts known.

But it's all too difficult. He's usually eloquent, but now he can't seem to even think, let alone string simple words to stop Remus from leaving. Just to make him wait until Sirius himself can actually form the appropriate words.

Evidently, Remus isn't about to wait this time.

He's already leaving in those calm and quiet footsteps. and Sirius wants to reach out and catch him, but he knows he's been derived of such rights.

"Remus." he manages in a slightly choked voice. "Remus, don't go." He can't bear to call Remus his old nickname, can't think that Remus could bear to be called 'Moony' anymore.

Remus halts but he doesn't turn around.

"Yes, Sirius?" he asks in his calm voice, and that makes Sirius feel even more hurt.

"Remus, I..I need to tell you something." Sirius stammers, and he's never stammered before. He's never felt so desperate to tell anyone anything before.

"Yes?" Remus asks, but he still won't turn around and face Sirius, even now when Sirius is ready to face him. Face those golden eyes that are so deep and wise, eyes that have never caught fire of anguish or hatred for the entire time Sirius has known them.

At least, Sirius doesn't really know them, because he can never read them as Remus seems to read his.

He is already striding towards Remus, or rather Remus' back, and he's already reaching out for the yet too distant shoulders.

Remus doesn't protest when Sirius turns him around and looks straight into his eyes.

Sirius hopes that his eyes can show things, or that Remus hasn't forgotten how to read them.

Remus doesn't turn away, but does attempt to when Sirius is still keeping hold of his shoulders. Sirius has to place his hands on each side of Remus' face so that the eyes will have no other choice but to stay in his.

"Sirius, let go." Remus finally says in the calm voice, and tries to turn away again. But he doesn't touch Sirius' hands to remove them. He doesn't seem to want to touch or be touched. Not this very moment if not forever. He doesn't want to touch if not fear to touch and be touched.

"Remus," Sirius can feel his heart almost begging as he keeps hold of Remus' face and tries to force the golden orbs to look at his silver grey ones. "Remus, please look at me."

"I'm looking at you." Remus replies warily and wearily at the same time, but his voice isn't mocking. "I am looking at you, Sirius."

"No," Sirius shakes his head. "Not my face. Look at me, Remus."

He doesn't know why he's going through this. Why he's making Remus go through this. He knows that the sooner he gets through this, the better for both. And even now, he knows he thinks so more for himself than Remus.

He doesn't notice until a moment later that Remus is staring into his eyes this time. His expression is calm and passive as if he's examining ancient runes, and Sirius wonders if Remus is seeing what he wants him to see. If Remus can read his eyes again. He doesn't dare look away or even blink, because that may interrupt Remus while interpreting him.

Remus obviously can still read him, because a moment later his eyes start to change in its shade and brightness even when his face remains quite the same.

Sirius waits for Remus to say something or just to leave that very moment, so he lets go Remus' face. His light brown, almost dirty blond hair is slightly wet from the sweat on Sirius' palm, and it must feel better to finally have the hands away replaced with air, even though it's slightly stale unlike those in other parts of the castle.

Remus doesn't move though, and he continues to stare at Sirius. Not Sirius' face or hair or anything else he used to spend classes staring at, but only his eyes.

He wonders if he really is reading Sirius' feelings correctly. Whether this is another joke that Sirius will later find amusing still, and Remus will smile about even though he will hate himself for falling for it at that time and for not being able to voice his disappointment and embarrassment even when he knew it was rightful.

But Sirius' eyes are far too expressive, begging to be read, and Remus doubts that this is another joke for just a moment.

He turns away in the end.

Sirius regrets letting go of Remus, because looking at his back again is more difficult than he had ever expected or knew.

Remus won't move, as if he's trying to think of something to say.

"Sirius."

It's a light yet low voice that Remus uses at times Sirius can't really classify nor name.

He waits for Remus to continue, because unlike Sirius, Remus continues when he calls out. He continues even if he changes the unspoken words before voicing them.

"I think," Remus continues as Sirius had expected. "you need a girl."

* * *


End file.
